I am a staunch advocate for confidence. Nothing is more attractive than a woman who feels good about who she is, and what she possesses. However… There is confident, and then, there is classless. There are cougars, and then, there are car-wrecks. If you are more Dame Judy Dench than Lady Gaga, you should seriously be reconsidering whether or not your wardrobe is age appropriate. No matter how sure we are of ourselves, there are limits to what we should be allowed to wear, and since the government does not have the time to pass legislation about tube tops, we must step in to set some guidelines. If you are a self-described cougar, please, make these are your new guiding principles.
1. Midriffs not welcome—showing us your stomach is adorable when you’re fresh faced and 16 and look like you aren’t really trying to look promiscuous, but once you have stretch marks and a C-section scar, it is no longer quite as charming.
2. Catholic school rules now (re)apply—remember when you were in high school, and you were forced to wear skirts that were as least as long as your fingertips reached? Time to revisit the past. It is not as sexy as you think. You’re someone’s mother for daughter’s sake! Shouldn’t we expect the same standards of good conduct from you that your daughter’s high school expects from her?
3. Logo-less bottoms—there comes a point in your life when wearing a logo on your ass is no longer necessary. Let something else about you do the talking. No need for Rock & Republic to define your style. You have a career, a family, or your own fabulous personality to say everything that needs to be said about you!
4. “Hello, Kitty?”—you’re a cougar, not a kitten! So, please, pass that cute “Hello Kitty” t-shirt you couldn’t resist on to a more appropriate audience… like your niece. It is not appropriate to wear cartoon characters across your breasts… because you have breasts. Point made, and hopefully, taken.
5. Speaking of breasts...—Congratulations on the breast augmentation. Now put them away. We are all very happy for you. They stand at attention like never before. That doesn’t mean that they have to be displayed like portable trophies every time you leave the house.
6. Your underwear should be under there—showing your bra straps and God forbid, your underwear, is embarrassing. Not just for you, I am embarrassed! I can’t stop staring! Victoria’s Secret is out, and everyone is looking.
7. Tanorexia is a disease—and one of the symptoms is premature aging. That’s correct, you’re making yourself look far older than you are every time you step into that tanning booth. Think of all the money you could spend in future plastic surgery by NOT exposing yourself to all that UV. Think of all the Ed Hardy you could buy!
8. Speaking of Ed Hardy—ladies, if you are over 40 and you can still rock a super tight mini-dress, I applaud your efforts. I can jump off of the Brooklyn Bridge, but I’m going to refrain. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean that you should. As one of my male counterparts so eloquently commented recently, “keep the freak in the bedroom; don’t bring it to the bar.” My sentiments exactly.
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